Thoughts, dreams, and reality.

Pregunta..

¿Estamos destinados a bailar alrededor de la otra?

Feeling a bit confused….

Somehow I thought I was over you….Somehow I made myself believe that waiting wasnt worth it, you were never going to be interested, and that it was time to move on. And so I did. Or so I thought.

Everybody thought you were my replacement for Jake. That what i felt towards you was just my old feelings for him were being transfered over to you. But everyone was wrong. I loved you before Jake. I was in love with you when I left for college. I knew you werent interested and so I decided to try and find someone who was. So if anything, Jake filled the void in my loneliness that yearned for you. And well, I hate to say that cause what I had with him was beautiful and I cherish every moment we shared; Even when it got ugly in the end, I still learned and have grown as a woman because of him.

You however have done nothing but confuse me. You act like you want me and dont at the same time. You will sleep with me and let me satisfy your desires and tell me you love me yet you dont want anything more. At first I thought it was cause you were about to move to Texas for over a year and you didnt want to do that long distance thing, but it wasnt until much later that I realized you only really enjoyed the sex. Theres no doubt in my mind that you love me, its just not the way I want you to. When you moved, I gave you my ring, and made you promise to bring it back to me….you said you would and you wear it around your neck on our pack neckalace. I told you I would write and I did, every week for 5 months….you said you liked letters yet I never once got one in return, or even an acknowledgement that you had read what I had written…after waiting and waiting, I just stopped sending them. I continued writing them however, pouring my heart and soul into letters you never would read.

I dont know at what point I actually gave up, but I did, and now I cant decide if Im happy or sad about that.

Happy, because unexpectedly I fell for another who treats me like how I always wished you would.

Sad, cause spending time with you now makes my heart break at the thought of what could be when you come home.

So my head and my heart are heavy and frankly just dont know what to do about how I feel…

Bravery

Bravery hides in the back of my mind

lurking in the shadows

waiting, just waiting

waiting for his friend Courage

to come walking by

Bravery always looks forward to seeing

his friend

because he cant wait to go

and do the task that was set aside for him

there are times Bravery may

not recognize his precious friend

times when Courage has to dance

in front of his face, yelling at the top of his lungs,

“here I am, here I am”

But there’s also the time when Courage

barely turns the corner,

before Bravery comes pulling at his new found friend

so they can finally go

and complete the achievement destined for them

and once they have

accomplished their goal

they will walk off hand in hand

leaving me waiting, just waiting

waiting till the next time, Courage decides to

muster up the strength to

yet again, do something brave.

Dont promise me forever

I want us to love each other one day at a time.  Please don’t always expect me to be happy, loving and kind.  There will be times when I will be cold, and thoughtless and hard to understand; but it will only be because of the weather or one of my moods…not because I love you less.  Please remember that I could never love you less.

Please don’t think about the things that could happen to us. Please don’t think about the people that could come between us. Instead, think of all the good things that could happen, think of us growing closer to each other, and finding new reasons for being together.

Please don’t be too easy on me, and don’t expect me to be easy on you. Both of us have room to grow, and both of us must grow if we want to hold each other’s love.  Please don’t ever give me too much of yourself, or take too much of me.  In our togetherness, we still need our private lives.  Please listen to me when I am talking to you, as I will do the same for you.

 Please remember to call me sometimes, for no reason, except that you feel me thinking about you, and needing to hear your voice

 Please don’t ever lose that laugh of yours; it’s such a real laugh. And please don’t stop smiling, that smile will light up the world.  

 Please know that I love you more today than yesterday. But I can’t promise you forever, I can only promise you today.  Today; with the hope and belief that there will be a beautiful tomorrow in store for us.

Mis Amores

El Mar

The ocean sings me a beautiful song

And if you listen carefully

She’ll play it all night long

She reaches out and kisses my toes

Sending shivers up my spine

She holds me close

Wrapped in her arms, I can fully understand

How her power puts fear in the hearts of man

As I lay down in her bed of sand

I can feel the hearts of those who

Have walked across her land

Those who came for help in their time of despair

Those who came to thank her

Those who showed they care

Like a constant companion

She is right by your side

Listening closely to the secrets you confide

The stars above dance with me

Till I lay my head down and go to sleep

And like a guardian, she is always there

Watching me to show how deep she does care

It began with a smile..

It began with a smile.  Not my own, but his.  Who knew that reciprocating a simple grin would thrust me into the whirlwind that has been these last couple of weeks?  I never would have dreamed that upon my returning to Wonderland, I would meet an intriguing young man.  There is so much about you that I find interesting and I like that we seem to balance each other out.  I like your fire and water reference.  A lot.  We may be opposite, but how I see it, the way to make it work, is finding that harmonious ground in which we both can walk.  Or fly.  Right now I’m hoping that we are able to find that, because right now, you are making me happy.  I feel exhilarated thinking about you and I feel all too comfortable talking to you about everything and nothing at all. I’m intoxicated by your touch, and I do enjoy looking into the mystery that is your eyes.  Your kisses send shivers down my spine and each time we part, I find myself waiting for that next time when our worlds can collide.  To think that one could feel as if they are on top of the world with such a short trip down this rabbit hole…I can only imagine how time spent down here will make my head spin with new thoughts and ideas and feelings that I now can’t even truly express.  The say a smile can change a life…it may be way too early to tell, but I already have a feeling that this one will.

So many thoughts running through my head..

Lots of them.  So many that my head feels like its about to explode…upon closer inspection of myself, and me trying to be all introverted and shit, here’s a little something, that has no fluidity and is completely scattered….

For the most part I have an open straight forward nature without too much complexity:  seemingly self-confidant and charming with an honest natural social grace.  Sometimes this may reflect my inner nature, but as often as not, my cheerful outgoing appearance hides a much more complex and inward-turned personality.  This duality can and does present many problems for me, cause often times I find myself trying to sustain an image I don’t feel truly within.  I find myself pretending a lot.  Pretending to be something I’m not.  My desire to please is so strong, that I find that I lose myself in that process.  I guess I just have a desire to be needed by someone at all times.  I have a wide circle of friends who probably think highly of me because of my generous and cheery disposition.  But I still find it difficult to form individual, lasting relationships, because I’m never really sure that I can fulfill all that it will entail.  I surround myself with people, because I don’t like being alone.  But I  still I fear that I will never be enough. I really dislike feeling like I’m not “enough,” it haunts me.  And I wish I could make it go away. 

A lot of the time I don’t really feel a part of this world.  I feel like I follow the ebb and flow of the tides in a cosmic ocean.  I find myself struggling to understand some worldly views and values.  And I never can seem to understand why some people do things the way they do.  I have one foot in this world, my mind in the next…I guess that’s the Pisces in me.  I see the good in people more often than not, and deeply wish that I can change everyone for the better.  I guess that means I let people take advantage of me, but that’s not because I’m gullible….though at times I can be…it’s because I see with different eyes, I feel with all my heart, I’m saddened and I forgive.  I’m deeply sensitive to those undercurrents that lie behind the mask of human behavior, and because I feel what you are desperately trying to hide, I want to make it better. Because of this, I give far too many chances, and in the end when I’m burned, I feel more hurt by the fact that you are so broken, than by the fact that you did me wrong.

I am always in love…not necessarily in a human being, but often a dream, a vision, a concept, or a cause.  It is in my nature to give…that’s the Pisces again, and I will always give of myself.    I’m also an incurable romantic, though I have a lot of defenses to hide this tendency, but romantic I was born and romantic I will remain. I crave magic and mystery; and I know that sweetness, kindness and affection will get you so much farther than you can possibly imagine.  A smile even, a smile can make the biggest difference in someone’s life.  I know what I need to do to make my dream come true.  But first I must be true to myself.  And when I’m loyal to my vision, my imagination and my heart, I’ll hopefully be a true healer of souls.  And so there you have it, my dream. To heal the world.